It's past 11 p.m. again, and i can't sleep. again. luckily my german professor can't see me, because i wrote that i go to sleep at 11 pm every day in the test ;)
basically, i'm watching clips on youtube and checking facebook chat list every fie and a half seconds. i made a decision today, in the morning. or maybe yesterday after the movie, it doesn't really matter at all. i'm gonna invite him for a coffee. or lunch. or something. we're not stuck into the romantic movement anymore, right? and it's completely usual for a girl to ask a boy out. not for a date, of course. i'm over that stuff, with him, of course. at least i wish i was so completely over him, but nevermind. i cleared my mind. he's just a friend. how do you act around friends? you call them and ask them out. or send them a message. but i can't do that with him because last time (when i went home with him and i contacted him about it) his phone broke down and he couldn't write masages. so if i send him a message he'd maybe not be able to answer me. not with message. so he'd have to call me. which i'm not really enthusiastic about, because i'm no huge fan of phone calls. especially not with him, i mean, i don't know what to say. "erm, hey, you, yes, i just sent you a message. i just thought that if - it's december and the holidays are comming and that stuff so mostly people don't have to study so much and don't have exams and so on - well, if you don't have the ones too and if you maybe have some spare time and if you want, of course, because i really don't want to bug you or something if you don't feel like doing it, what i could completely understand, of course, but, if, as i said, you maybe have no other plans or something i though we could meet for a coffee or something, i just call it coffee but it can be anything, a cacao, hot chocolate, juice, whatever you'd want, or maybe for a lunch if you aren't too busy or arranged with someone already, so - yes, what do you think?" he'd probably think i'm really nuts (first step) and then ask me "hey, sorry, i don't really know what you mean -" (second step) and then i'll say something even more stupid (if that's even possible) like "i just wanted to asky you if you'd like to see me for some drink or lunch or something", which would, probably, sound like i want to get him there for a date and i'm so desperate about seeing him again (step three). and then he'll say "yes, of couorse, when?" or apologise politely that he "doest't really have time at the moment because he's got so much to study and is also going home sooner that week, but we can meet some other time", which would, of course, never come. i can't really decide which version is worse. because if he'd said "yes", i'd probably have killed myself rather than comming there after the speech i had on the phone. and if he'd said "no", i'd have been all depressed again, imagining what does he think about me (and my perfect phone call probably didn't make that opinion any better at all). noo, message is really not the best way. and so is nost the phone call. so what is left? i could send him an email, but that's a bit too formal. i mean, it's just like sending him a letter just to invite him to go out, isn't it? he'd probably take the invitation really seriously at all. you know, people usually don't mail each other about having an ordinary coffee, more likely about the meetings and so on. so, email, crossed. what's left? chat. so i'm waiting for him to show up in the chat menu, but he just doesn't want to. he also didn't in the morning, but he usually is on facebook on tuesday mornings. not as if i checked it regularly or spy on him or anything at all (yeah right), i just notice it because i'm usually logged in on tuesday mornings too. and i just can't help but notice him, right? so' he wasn't there. and he also isn't now, neither he was sooner in the evening (but he usually is!). if i don't cound that minute. but i cant click him in the second he log in, he'd think i was waiting for him. which i actually would be, but he doesn't really need to know that. it'd seem as i'm really so damn much desperate about seeing him, which i can't really say is not true, but - he doesn't really need to know that too. it's over, or at least it's over for him. i mean, probably. sure. he's the one who never called me again after comming back home from the camping. who never wanted to chat again (except that two times, which was quite formal). who didn't even wish me happy birthday when i had one (he told me he was going to malta, but anyway, if he wanted, he could do it. he didn't go to neanderthals, for god's sake, they have internet and computers and all, and he's got mobile phone and if he could send me messages from austria when he was skiing and we were just classmates who had spoken nothing more than ten meningfull sentences (i'm sure) in four years of sitting in the same class seven hours a day and i didn't even asked him to do it, i just wanted the phone number of some other classmate with whom i danced at the prom. but he just kept sending messages! i don't guarantee he wasn't a little bit drunk because it was really not like him, but anyway. let's get drunk on malta too and remember to wish me happy birthday, you jerk! -.-), who couldn't come for a coffee with me because he was going to the capital (allright, i'm beeing a bit unjust now, he probably was going. i can't just say he was lying and making some excuse. but he also didn't express any wish of having one.), who just left the chat after saying "brb" when i was just kindly asking him how he likes the first study days (it could be facebook striking again, it wouldn't be first time and maybe i was seen as logged off too, but, anyway - that's not the way!), who didn't even say a word when we met at some party (but just starred at his toes and mumble "hi" silently, i hope he felt really really really bad after being so damn nice with me, mr. perfect!!), ... oh, damn damn damn it so much, everything seemed so pefect, but then just - nothing! over! if we oly had an argument, if we olny talked about it, if he only ever told me what was going on and what happened - it would be so much easier! i'd say to myself "okay, let's face it:he hates you/he met some other girl/he didn't ever loved you at all and was just acting everything/he's afraid because everything was going on so fast/ or ANYTHING!". but now, i'm chewing all those possibilities over and over again in my head, plus that little bit of hope that he's just being shy and unsure and doesn't know how to act, like i am, and we'll met again and realise that we're each others love of his/her life and live happily ever after. of course that's gonna happen, it's more likely i, who doesn't like football at all, win the football world cup, than this to happen. i really must stop watching romantic movies and read love stories with happy ending. but i was raised up listening to snow white, cinderella, sleeping beauty - they all lived happily ever after - so i think the harm's allready done. i woudn't need to stop doing that stuff, good.
but he still havn't showed up. you jerk. i'm starting to think that the gods don't want us to meet, or i don't really know what. weird.
and now? oh, i'm really not going to the bed, because i really don't want any wicked romantic dreams with me or him or both of us starring in it. no, thanks. i'll rather make myself a cup of cacao (i think i'm becoming facebook and cacao obssessed, how nice) and find an idea what to write about. i've still got 62% of the battery and all timein the world. almost.
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